My agent told me about a casting call for a video spokesperson at Chinook Winds Casino Resort on the beach in Lincoln City, Oregon. I had no problem picturing myself as an ambassador of fun, so I headed to the coast. The head of casino marketing decided I certainly had the personality they were looking for and the “gaming look.” I nailed it.
What a glorious gig! With the lights primed and hot, I stood on an apple crate and told the Internet gambling world about the latest opportunities to place their bets:
“This ancient Egyptian-themed game offers 20 pay lines on 5 reels. The colorful and mystical Pharaohs give you numerous opportunities to win, with 2 Wilds, 4 Scatters, and up to 20 retriggering Free Spins and generous Multipliers!”
The only hitch in the plan was my soon-to-be swollen belly. I didn’t want to lose such a fabulous job, so I asked the boss man if they would film me close-up once my pregnancy became obvious. Thankfully, the casino prided itself on being a family friendly bastion; a plan was made for my “character” to wear sweater sets that would disguise my growing tummy. Every month, I headed to Target or Macy’s, in search of twinsets in size and colors that looked right for the season and were structured for camouflage duty.
In the backstage dressing rooms, I sat in the same makeup chairs as the members of the famous bands who performed on the main stage. I became privy to the musician’s demands. Barry Manilow let his promoters bring members of his fan cub into the venue early to decorate his dressing room for him with signs proclaiming their love for Mr. Manilow. Crazy Marilyn Manson always wanted the air-conditioner on full blast and requested a bald hooker with no teeth — truly.
My perk was having the hair and makeup team transform me into a more glamorous version of myself. I also scored front row seats at the Billy Ray Cyrus concert and all the free soda I could guzzle. Sometimes people recognized me from the videos and I had moments of minor celebrity glory, which was a blast. After years of dressing soberly and acting seriously in my career as a funeral director, my inner glamour puss was free to toss her head, smile radiantly and glow like a slot sensation.
I really gave the camera my gaming all:
“Play Ruby of the Nile this month and you will be credited with double points!”
“Fisherman’s Friend will certainly be your friend when you Reel ’em In! Dazzle the crowd when you land the Big Whopper!”
“Coming this month in the casino showroom: Sha Na Na!”
Thank you, Bruno Rudolph, wherever you are, for the grand opportunity!