I Love Bacon! The Bacontarian Green Reaper

I adore bacon. For surely. It’s scrumptious. I serve it at my funeral home. A study says lettuce is “three times worse than bacon” in terms of environmental impact. True fact!girl-bacon

I am quite possibly a Bacontarian – a person who supplements an otherwise normal diet with large amounts of pork. I fast occasionally to rid my gut and bowels of such evil sludge. I spend one week without my beloved bacon and feel flower fresh. But empty.

I have dressed up as bacon for Halloween. And once felt moved to wear my succulent sack to Safeway. Just because. It’s really a great way to meet (or meat?) people and ultimately be adored. People declare their love for bacon all the time. And loudly.

Crispy-Bacon-Costume-Food-Breakfast-Outfit-Suit-Theatrical-Mens-Costume-0Wanna know how I made a costume to represent bacon, sausage’s better looking cousin?

Bacon Costume Directions

To make a template for painting, take a large garbage bag, cut the sides so it’s one big flat piece of plastic, and pin it to your bacon. Cut a free-form design in the plastic. You’ll want one template for the tough, red, meaty edge, and another for the marbled pink flesh. You can re-use the templates on the front and on the back; use multiple bags if necessary.

Pick a color to paint first. I started with red, but it doesn’t really matter which you start with. Pin that template to your bacon, making sure to really secure the edges of the template. Using an even, sweeping motion, spray your paint onto your bacon. Make sure you get any exposed edges. When the paint is dry (which happens really quickly), go back and do a second coat. Go for the mottled brown look where applicable.bacon-pet-costume-bc-803217

Have you ever had the pleasure of eating bacon toffee? Salty and sugary, smoky and rich… truly divine. Can I eat this while wearing my bacon bikini? Or would that be totally tacky?

Bacon is the perfect synthesis of all your basic food groups, meat and fat. It’s welcome for dinner, lunch or breakfast. It’s great by itself, on the side or when wrapped around another food product. In fact, if you could wrap bacon around bacon, you might create a nexus of awesome so great the world as we know it would end and an entirely new and perfect universe would open up.

If both bacon and chocolate can make other foods taste better, what would happen if someone was just crazy enough to combine chocolate and bacon? If you combine these two ultimate food modifiers, won’t all other food seem basically meaningless? This seems like it would be the best of the best, and there is nowhere to go but down from here. Sprinkles are optional.

Chocolate-Covered Bacon Ingredients

1-pound package of bacon (thick-sliced)

12-ounce package of semi-sweet chocolate chips

1 Tablespoon margarine Chocolate-Covered Bacon Instructions

Cover a flat baking sheet with waxed paper. Set this aside, as it will hold the chocolate-covered bacon for cooling and setting. Cook the bacon thoroughly until the slices become crunchy. (Bacon may be cooked in a frying pan, in the oven (about 20 minutes at 350 degrees “F”) or in the microwave (wrapped in paper toweling). Drain the bacon grease. Blot the bacon strips in clean paper toweling, and lay the bacon strips out flat to cool.

Melt the chocolate chips and margarine in a glass bowl in the microwave. Microwave for 30 seconds, and stir the mixture thoroughly. Repeat this step several times (microwaving for 30 seconds and stirring), until the chocolate mixture is completely melted and stirs smooth. Use a pair of sturdy tongs to dip the bacon, one strip at a time, into the melted chocolate mixture. Be sure to coat the entire bacon strip with the chocolate before laying it out flat to dry on the waxed paper atop the baking sheet.

If you put really hot bacon right on top of some Skippy Super Chunk on your choice of bread, it melts the peanut butter, so you get the crisp-chewiness of the bacon, the crunch of the nut bits, and warm, melty peanut goo, all in one artery-busting package.

bacon-chocolate-martiniDoes your eatin’ hole crave a hot a chocolate martini with a bacon swizzle-stick? Or….a chocolate covered filet mignon wrapped in bacon? David Greggory restaurant on Dupont Circle in Washington DC makes an EXCELLENT chocolate bacon soufflé. A gourmet restaurant called Compass in New York is selling chocolate covered Pork Rinds as a desert. In Portland, Oregon on Father’s Day there was a Chocolate and Bacon Buffet at Pix Patisserie.

Please delight yourself in perfected Bacon Cranberry Stuffed Balls!

8 ounces Smoked bacon

1 large Onion chopped

8 ounces Fresh breadcrumbs

3 tablespoons Fresh parsley; thyme, and rosemary

3 tablespoons Dried

Sweetened cranberries

1 egg

Fry the bacon in its own fat until browned. Add the onion and a splash of oil if needed, cook until softened and add the remaining ingredients, mix everything together and season well. Roll into balls and devour.

This is fantastic news and I will celebrate by perfecting my bacon cranberry stuffed balls, and then celebrate some more by making them into other shapes, as well.

e1d0_my_first_baconI love bacon.


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